Working with the Fawn Response
In my course RETURN: a trauma informed deep dive into somatic awareness I teach about the ways in which our bodies respond to threat, acute stress, and/or danger. This includes responses from our autonomic nervous system like fight, flight, and freeze- as well as the conditioned behavioral fawn response. Back in May, many of my students had a lot of questions about the fawn response.
It seemed that for the spring cohort, that was the response many students were most interested in learning more about: what it is, where it comes from, what it looks like, and how to work with it. As I began to create more materials around fawning, it occurred to me that this response is unheard of for many people and so liberating to put a name to. So let’s name it!
What is the fawn response?
“Fawning” is responding to a threat by attempting to befriend the aggressor. It can look like intense people pleasing, saying “yes” to things we don’t want to say yes to (or not giving ourselves time to figure out how we feel), bypassing our needs in order to be in relationship with someone, staying in an unhealthy or unsafe relationship, or very porous boundaries.
Now, like all of our responses to threat, there is wisdom here. This response has likely allowed you to avoid conflict with someone you were powerless to. It may have developed as a way to stay in relationship with a primary caregiver as a kid. When we’re young, we don’t have autonomy. We need our caregivers to provide us with food, shelter, care, love, and a sense of belonging. If in our childhood we were beholden to our caregivers’ mood, we may have learned that we have to “stay on their good side” in order to receive care. Or that there isn’t space for our own emotions. We may have learned that if we don’t identify, and shape ourselves around, the emotions of our caregivers then our needs won’t get met. Here’s where the wisdom comes in- as a child, you developed a way to get your needs met. That’s brilliant. It was something your body intuitively came up with as a means to keep you safe. To ultimately get what you needed to survive. Amazing.
The hard part is when that pattern of twisting ourselves and our needs to fit the shape of another person becomes our default method of connecting. And let me just say here- not your fault AND it’s something you can work with. It’s something that can shift with time, practice, and awareness.
The Fawn response develops as a method of staying in relationship and the desire to heal through the relationship. And again this is wise, we work through our Fawn response in relationship. It’s not something we can do all by ourselves. But if you’re struggling with this response, the work does start with ourselves. With recognizing our own agency, where we end and other people begin, through boundaries and self-consent. And then we practice what we learn about our needs with the people in our lives. We can practice with a close trusted friend or practitioner before practicing with our more challenging relationships.
How to work with your fawn response
When working with any of our responses to trauma and/or wounding, we want to bring compassion and awareness to this tendency, look at what a brilliant survival technique this is, and notice when it isn’t serving you anymore. Then we can compassionately make room for other choices. When working with the fawn response, we can do this through working with our attachment styles and our boundaries.
Noticing our attachment style and mapping out what it looks like with the various people in our lives can help us to recognize patterns. Maybe you rush in and want to be close when someone isn’t giving you what you need. Maybe when someone gets too close, you detach. Maybe you jump into chaotic situations so you can feel a sense of familiarity and/or control. Begin to notice what this looks like for you- where might you be anxiously attached? Avoidant? Is there a similarity between your attachment style and your primary caregivers? Is there something similar about your current relationships and your very first relationships?
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” -Prentis Hemphill
Bringing awareness to your boundaries is a key factor when working with relational trauma/wounding and the fawn response. We hear this a lot! “Work on your boundaries!” But what does that mean? Let’s break it down a little bit.
Boundaries can be:
Physical- what we do with our bodies and when. Who, when, and how people touch our bodies. This also refers to how we care for ourselves; what we eat, how much sleep we need, movement needs etc.
Time Based- how much time we dedicate to a project, work, other people. How much time we need to ourselves.
Material- which items you are willing to share and which ones aren’t, how your household operates (who does what chores etc)
Relational- what we do and do not accept in our relationships with other people. What we’re willing to share (emotionally) and what we want to keep to ourselves.
Intellectual- what topics are up for discussion and which ones aren’t (your political beliefs, what you’re learning etc.). Who are you and aren’t willing to have these conversations with.
Sexual- similar to physical! But specifically these boundaries are around what kind of sex you want to have, the freedom to change your mind during a sex act, how often you and your partner(s) get STI checks, what protection or birth control method is used
Spiritual- boundaries around your needs, or lack of interest, in engaging in spiritual pursuits with the people around you (ritual, observances, church)
We can have porous, flexible, or rigid boundaries. Porous boundaries are ones that are not strongly set and are often stepped over or changed for the people we are involved with. This often looks like us betraying our own needs in favor of the needs of the person we are in relationship with. (This shows up often for people working with their fawn response.) Rigid boundaries are immovable- no compromises are made no matter the situation. And flexible boundaries are firm but able to shift depending on the situation and context.
You might be someone who has rigid boundaries around time, flexible boundaries around materials, and porous boundaries around relationships. This looks different for everyone. Look over the list above and begin to notice where you have porous, rigid, or flexible boundaries. This is a great place to start bringing awareness to what you’d like to shift, work on, or grow.
A place I like to start
Something I notice that comes up for clients often is having a sense of what they’d like their boundaries to look like, but when it comes time to set one or to make a decision about engaging they lose themselves. Understanding our embodied sense of “yes” and “no” can help with this.
Ask yourself, what does your “yes” feel like in your body? What does your “no” feel like in your body? This might be hard to access! It’s a practice of noticing that we repeatedly come back to. I’ve included one of my favorite embodied yes and no exercises below. It’s an Object Sensing practice designed to help you find where “yes” and “no” live in your body. (Some of you may already be familiar with this practice- I use it a lot!)
Once we bring our body onboard with the rest of our experience, we’re able to make decisions that aren’t motivated by “should”s. “I should go to the party”, “I should give them another chance”, “I should be more generous with my things”.
Another route is to practice saying “no'' to a trusted friend. For this exercise, you’ll need a buddy you trust and feel comfortable with, a piece of string to hold between you, and a marker.
Stand opposite your partner and ask them to walk towards you, when they’ve gotten close enough- tell them to “stop” and mark the length of the string between you.
Notice what comes up in your body. Which emotions and sensations arise?
Do this again while imagining they are someone you know you need a little more space from or are working on boundaries around.
Lengthen the string again and have your friend walk towards you. When they (as the other person) have gotten close enough, tell them to stop. Mark this length of string too.
Notice what comes up in your body this time. How is it different from the first time you did this with your friend who you trust? Notice the length of the string between you two. Is it shorter or longer than before?
Talk with your friend about what you’re noticing, or journal about your experience.
Noticing the sensations and emotions that come up through your body can give you an insight into what you’re working with. Shame, guilt, anger, grief. These emotions are doorways into what your needs might be.
(ps You can also do this exercise when practicing asking for closeness.)
Lastly, working with a practitioner is a great way to work with boundaries and the Fawn response. We heal relational trauma/wounding through relationships. Working with a practitioner can give you a space to practice finding and using your “no”, notice what big emotions are present, and learn how to work through them.