Finding your Resources
Our resources are the tools we use in order to help us expand our capacity to be with ourselves. They help us stay connected to ourselves in times of emotional overwhelm and/or triggering situations, and allow us to come back to our baseline. Our resources allow us to pause and recognize where we are in the larger context of things. They help us stay tethered to who we are rather than getting swallowed up by our emotions or our reactions.
Now before I go into this further, I want to do some myth-busting. We are not meant to be “regulated” all the time. We aren’t meant to feel good, peaceful, generous, “stable” etc. all the time. We’re human beings and we fluctuate. Our physical bodies, our emotional bodies, our spiritual bodies all fluctuate constantly and this is an important part of being human. When we don’t allow space for these fluctuations is when we end up bypassing what we need or sweeping things under the rug. Those needs often show up in bigger ways down the line when we ignore them or try to push through them. (Burn out!)
The purpose of finding and using our resources is not to bypass the hard and uncomfortable stuff. They exist to allow us to grow our capacity to be with the hard and uncomfortable stuff.
Work through them, work with them, learn from them. We can be with grief and be with compassion. We can be with anger and be with our breath. Our resources aren’t meant to replace or override what is challenging, but to help us make room to begin to understand the feeling.
Resources can be external and internal.
There are resources absolutely everywhere for us to discover for, and inside of, ourselves. We can find them internally, externally and through our relationships (human and non-human). This looks different for everyone- something that works really well for one person may not work for someone else. We are all wired differently. Our past experiences and our physiology can help us understand what works and what doesn’t. And a beautiful part of this is that it doesn’t need to be elaborate. It can be one thing. Something super simple. And if it works, we move with that.
Examples of external resources could be:
stepping outside and putting your feet on the earth
cuddling your pet
calling a friend you trust
going for a walk around the block
dancing
Internal resources can be:
connecting with the imprint of a pleasant memory
finding a sensation in your body that feels soothing or interesting
finding a neutral part of your body and landing your awareness there
noticing your breath
Curious about your internal resources? Here’s a Resourcing Meditation adapted from a teacher of mine, Shia LaVie. It’s about 12 minutes long and all you’ll need is a comfy seat and perhaps a pen and paper if you’re a notetaker like me.
How to recognize when you need a resource
You know that moment where you start feeling angry, for example, and you can feel your face getting hot and a kind of bursting feeling in your stomach? (This is what it feels like for me.) It’s the moment right before your eyes start to narrow and you begin to feel fuzzy? The moment right before you react? That’s a great time to use a resource.
Your reaction might look like shutting down or yelling or saying something cutting that you don’t mean- whatever it is, using your resources before you get to your reaction point helps you to mitigate your response.
We can notice these sensations and pause. Resource ourselves, reorient, and decide how we want to move forward.
This is useful in relationships and times of conflict but it’s also useful when we’re alone and notice that we’re moving into a shame spiral, or feeling particularly anxious, or can’t seem to get motivated. Our resources allow us to be connected to ourselves alongside the feeling that’s moving through us.
It’s recognizing what your “10” looks like- the yelling, the shutting down, etc. and slowly backtracking and becoming aware of what your “7” looks like. Using the resource when we get to a “7” can help us stay centered.
I’ll keep going with anger since it’s what I’ve been using so far- when we bring awareness to what that 1-10 scale looks like, and what happens in our bodies, we can recognize “ooh okay I’m at a 7” and pause. Go for a walk, punch or yell into a pillow, sit with your back up against a tree, call a friend you find calm and reassuring, play fetch with your dog- whatever your resource is. And then we can come back to the matter at hand a little more clear-headed. Now we have a choice about how we want to respond. We’re interrupting a pattern here. It’s an invaluable tool! And one that takes consistent practice.
Your emotions, reactions, responses are all valid
A note! When we’re using our resources, we’re allowing ourselves some space to be with our emotions. Not to “get over” them. Honestly we’ve all had enough of that. What we’re doing is making space to stay with ourselves as we bring curiosity to our reaction. Your emotions, reactions, and responses are all valid. Our emotions are messengers and have important information for us. Anger might come up because a boundary is being crossed, or because the conflict you’re in is bringing up past memories of when boundaries have been crossed in the past. Anger is sending a message, saying “there’s a line here”. When we ignore that message, we end up betraying ourselves and our needs. When we let it drive, we might fall into a shame spiral as we regret how we reacted. When we’re working with resources, we’re allowing room for the message of the emotion. We’re allowing ourselves to stay in our integrity and make different choices if need be. AND that doesn’t necessarily mean your reaction is “wrong”- maybe you do need to walk away! Maybe you DO need to set a firm boundary! Using our resources gives us a choice. They give us more agency.
Okay so how do I work with my resources?
Start with awareness practices. Mindfulness or centering practices. Start noticing what that 1-10 scale looks like for you and notice what situations trigger a strong response from you. When we have awareness of what we want to work with, we can begin to pause once we start to notice what’s coming up.
Resources look different for everyone- this is important to remember. When we talk about resources, we’re talking about finding the thing that works for you. Your unique body, your unique experience in the world.
Resources might be:
A mindfulness, centering, or grounding practice
Connecting with the people and activities in your life that make you feel open, curious, and engaged
Somatic practices (putting your hand over your heart, a self-hold, movement)
Being outside with the Earth, the water, the trees, the air
Connecting with your ancestors or your spiritual practice
Spending time with a friend or practitioner whose nervous system makes your nervous system feel calmer (this is co-regulation, we can do this with the more-than-human world too)
When we’re finding our resources, the key is to lead with curiosity. We go slowly and we notice what comes up for us. What comes up in our bodily responses and what comes up emotionally.
We don’t try to change who we are or contort ourselves to be more palatable, we make room for our whole self. In all of it’s nuances and expansiveness.
We’re expanding our ability to be with something challenging by doing it gently, with awareness, with our resources, and somatic practices.